Tis the Season to Kill.

I hate living here.

I want a place of my own, or at least a place with people who have decency and intelligence. A place where I can feel comfortable hanging out in any room at any time. A place I actually want to invite friends to hang out at and spend time in. A place that doesn’t have a fucking alarm to set every single time I leave. Honestly, all I need is a place I can call home.

It has been years since I’ve had a consistent place to come home to that I enjoyed. I loved living at Matt’s house and would go back in a heartbeat if I had a chance…I always had this picture of my life at 24 where I had graduated APU and moved home (or somewhere away from LA), gotten a good job, and found an apartment of my own to stay in. Instead, I downgraded from my apartment at school and am renting a tiny room full of furniture that is not my own in a house that I would much rather not be a part of. Tyler is a great friend of mine and I could probably live with him in an apartment or even this house if it weren’t for his dad. He just makes it so awkward all the time though.

I can not wait until I am making enough money to live on my own.

Get Out

So I am in this band. We are NOT a christian band. Our mission as a band, of 5 christian dudes, is to play shows to kids who don’t share our beliefs and not concentrate solely on reaching people who are just going to listen to our music and assume it is all about God being good.

After being on tours for a year and a half it’s become apparent to me that some of our members don’t seem to feel this way as much as I do. They are perfectly content playing in weird places to kids who come up after the show and tell us how they wouldn’t have listened to us if we weren’t christian. Don’t get me wrong, it generally isn’t the kids fault (as it wasn’t mine), but those are NOT the kids I want to play music for. Showing christians that “God is good” does absolutely nothing for the world.

I write this blog after reading a status that a bandmate posted on our facebook stating, “Please call your local CHRISTIAN radio station and request ‘Brain Damage’”. Does he have any idea how much this singles our band out to people? Not to mention, if people are calling their regular radio stations requesting it, those stations will go find that song to please their listeners!

I’m afraid this may come off as me simply being afraid to announce that we are christians in this band. That is not the case at all. I am perfectly comfortable answering that question when asked, which happens often. However, I am not an evangelist. I would much rather effect somebody by my actions and way I live my life (which is not always the best). Another reason: I don’t necessarily like associating myself with the term “christian”. There are very few, self proclaimed “christians” that I know who are the furthest possible thing to what a christian should be. I, myself, can be hypocritical at times and don’t like people taking my personal hypocrisy as that of what a christian is. Christians already have a bad rep from hypocrites as it is.

One quote often heard in our van is, “I am fine playing christian places/events, but I just don’t want to get stuck in it.” Oh, really? Then why do YOU keep agreeing to constantly playing them and not even trying to look for any other options?! Why are we doing a full US tour for 2 months with a WORSHIP band?! WHY?! People in our generation have just stopped making any sense.

Anyway, all of this is to say that I am incredibly tired of playing at churches, to church kids, to church parents who force their beliefs on those kids, and not pursuing the goal that we have set out to accomplish.

The Heart is Hard to Find

Being on the road in a band takes a special type of person; and that person is not me. The way things have been going lately, I feel like the exact opposite. Though I am not a fan of mediocrity, I am a fan of consistency and stability; and an even bigger fan of being close to the people I love.

When I made the decision to ditch life and join a band, I never fully wrapped my head around how displaced from an actual life I would have to become. As the future becomes the present and there are plans coming to life that would keep me away until at least next April, I feel like I’m sinking into a routine that pulls me away from my life entirely. The more I dwell on it and think about it, that’s the very last thing I want. Ya, it would be great to play real shows to lots of kids every night, but really, how long is that going to hold it’s excitement? I get more excited thinking about being able to save money, have a real job, enjoy time with my girlfriend and family, have my own apartment.

I look forward a few months, years even, and see no way out. It really sucks. This tour especially, I feel like I am wasting so much of my time playing shows 3,000 miles from home to 11 uninterested kids. Tonight I would kill to be in San Francisco enjoying my favorite band with my favorite girl. Fuck Tennessee. Fuck touring.

Days Off

One of my least favorite things on the road is having days off. I hate it.

The only thing I want right now is Jessica. I’m sitting in the van and aching to hold her. Take me home.

Completely Insane Evening. Seattle, WA

I can’t even describe it. One of the best days of my life. I just wish Jess were here to enjoy…

Brandon Ebel, Tooth & Nail President, told me to my face that he loved us. We are signed to Tooth & Nail and the president thinks we’re the best thing he’s had in years….it’s completely indescribable. I can’t even believe that we are on this label with such great people.

Meeting Sam and her friends tonight was pretty awesome too. Great people all around.Though, I am still really excited to get home and be with the people I love. Hoping really hard that September doesn’t happen tonight.

The Tour of August

So this can finally be utilized for what it was created for once again.

We started our tour with K Serà on Friday last week in Sacramento at Club Retro. So far it has been pretty uneventful. The shows have been pretty sparse, crowd wise. Luckily, the kids that do come get pretty into it and we’ve been playing really well.

At Club Retro there was a pop-techno-crap band that played and sang to nothing but tracks all night. They had a keyboardist who didn’t even know how to play keys so he just goofed around and made it pretty entertaining.

Today we drove all the way up to Seattle from Ashland, OR. I watched about 4 episodes of Lost (which rules) and when we got here we hung out on the beach with Chase. It’s been awesome catching up with him. I’ve definitely missed Seattle too. This is the only city on our tour route that we haven’t been to more than once in the last year. Pretty depressing if you ask me.

Tomorrow we are going to finally meet all the people at the Tooth offices. I’m pretty excited for that. It’ll be cool to be able to know the people who have put some faith/hope/money into us and believe in the songs we write as much as we do.

I really miss Jessica. It’s pretty insane how close we are after such a short time. Insane in the best of ways.

Happiest place ever

Got back today from a weekend trip with Jess and a few of her good friends. We went to Disneyland for Jessica’s first visit ever. To avoid a heinously long post, I will only relay the best things.

The weekend started out great and just got better. Friday night we all went out in Hollywood to the Saddle Ranch and watched our friend Michelle ride the mechanical bull. Saturday we woke up super early and drove straight to Disneyland where we spent the day from 10 am – 12 am. It was long but I don’t think any of us really noticed/cared. Showing somebody the real Disneyland experience for the first time is something I’ll never forget, along with watching World of Color for the first time myself. I have never been so blown away by any kind of spectacle performance in my life. Words genuinely cannot describe how great it was, and to be there with Jessica was even more amazing. I realized a lot of great things and saw a lot of great things this weekend. One pretty funny/awesome thing that happened in California Adventure was getting to see which character we were. Jess got Jane, I got Tarzan…haha.

I really have not been this happy for such an extended period of time in a very very long time. It feels amazing. It’s really great to have someone to care for so much.

Sometimes It Takes Time

Well, well, well. We meet again WordPress. It’s strange how quickly I strayed away from you. I guess I should update you.

I am once again unemployed. I Am Empire is now a Tooth & Nail band. Our first album for them is being mixed right now. I live with Tyler and his dad in San Jose again. And I decided to tell this awesome lady exactly how awesome she is, so now we take on the world together.

I think that is the last six months in a paragraph. It feels like I lived an entire year in that time, but we both know that’s not possible.

No promises can be made as to this sticking around for a while, but I would definitely like for it to.

It’s 2010.

I’m already by myself.

The last day of the decade passed in a strange way.  I worked an early shift (8:45-1) and dealt with the rudest customers of the year.  About an hour into my shift I turned to had a customer his coffee and my left eye went limp.  I don’t really have any other way to explain it.  I felt very light headed and weak, I began to shake as I got a little nervous as to what was going on.  It lasted a few minutes as I tried to focus myself and keep conscious.  It went away finally and I went back to work.  All the rest of the day (even now) I’ve felt a little unbalanced and out of it.  The only explanation I can muster for the problem is stress or anxiety.  The last couple weeks have been incredibly difficult for me, trying to decipher the reason for all the hostility and not really understanding as all I am is a caring/loving person.  It’s really been getting to me and last night was the worst of it so all day I was a little beat from that as it was.

Anyway, 2009 was incredible. I just hope 2010 can hold a candle to it.

Today, We Ate Turkey

Thanksgiving came and went like every year. There was a turkey. There were side dishes. There was dessert. Being home has been therapeutic to say the least. With this sinus infection 85% behind me I have my plans set to begin the job hunt and beat it to the ground. Apple has yet to call…

Hooray for turkey!